I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
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Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!