My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
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Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
sin harder.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense