“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
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I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?