@Black__Elvis: I accidentally shot my girlfriend on a hunting trip because I mistook her for a deer in an orange vest drinking a Diet Coke.
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@LurkAtHomeMom: 5's friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I'm already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
@pinupteacher: WAITER: Would you like any dessert? DATE: No, just the ch- ME: CHEESECAKE. Just the cheesecake.
@caseytduncan: One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"
@BrassBallsCJ: My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing... not so much. Lol Priest: That’s your eulogy?