If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
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So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
True.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband: