I accidentally started this account when I was looking for a banana bread recipe and things have gone horribly wrong.

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Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.


If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.


Me: I work from home.

You: OMG that’s amazing. I want to do that someday! You’re so lucky!

Me: I also live at work.


Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?


No, cough syrup, you’re not grape flavoured. Have you ever tasted a grape? You taste like death and the tears of small children, not grape.


Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”


When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.