@good_one_rick

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

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@rickolantern

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

@TheTweetOfGod

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

@skittle624

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

@ceejoyner

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.

@benharnett

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

@ShortSleeveSuit

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

@ricksteelman

Maybe I’m covered in chameleons right now. I’ll never know for sure.

@theDanLawler

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.