I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

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I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.


I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.


I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.


A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.


I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.


DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*


Maybe I’m covered in chameleons right now. I’ll never know for sure.


Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.