I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
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Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.