@Shashtagger

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.

Going for a poo could spell trouble!

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@13spencer

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

@lacybronze1

Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me

@JermHimselfish

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

@Kirinodere

Obama: I’m going to miss living in the White Hou-
Biden: DUUUDE look at my roll!
Obama: MAAAN is that UR Kotori?

@tat2dsoccermom

My boyfriend said he wanted me to be more affectionate, so now I have TWO boyfriends.

@rockymomax

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

@YAppelbaum

Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”

@HeyoShellz

In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates

@AristotlesNZ

9yo: *struggling for 10 mins trying to start peeling a banana* How do you get into these!?

Yo, evolution: You missed one..