I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
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my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
6. me as a lawyer
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.