@JazzTrombonist

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

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@Mostly_Cheese

[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.

@youssraxak

teacher: No eating in class

people sitting in the back of the classroom:

@Average_Dad1

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

@badbanana

I’ll be celebrating my birthday the traditional way, by barging naked into a room full of strangers and crying.

@drinksmcgee

The date had been magic.
We moved to her couch & kissed.
That’s when horror struck as my eyes locked on the Duck Dynasty DVDs on her shelf.

@TheTweetOfGod

My advice for anyone who wants more followers is simple: Form them from dust and breathe into their nostrils. #workedforMe

@3sunzzz

Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.

Me: my husband’s snoring

Therapist: let me rephrase

@JPLFR80

People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.

@scarebro

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

@StevieKnip

Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?