@JazzTrombonist

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

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@WilliamAder

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

@ericaj1721

3 hours until I get to pretend I know how to do 6th grade math homework…..

@ArfMeasures

Date: I like guys who are sensitive

Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth

@randygdub

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

@Muath_tu

I hate when I’m running away from monsters at the temple then crash into a tree and die because I wanted to collect all the gold.

@MavenofHonor

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

@Uncul_Scientist

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

@TheAlexP

* Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking