I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

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My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.


3 hours until I get to pretend I know how to do 6th grade math homework…..


Date: I like guys who are sensitive

Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth


trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business


I hate when I’m running away from monsters at the temple then crash into a tree and die because I wanted to collect all the gold.


Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse


I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.


* Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking