i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
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Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
My brain is a bad influence on me
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.