@ramblinma

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

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@patnspankme

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

@ScottLinnen

WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.

@KentWGraham

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

@iLikeCatShirts

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

@Rollinintheseat

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

@KDsMorning

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

@DirtMcTurd

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

@SCbchbum

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

@nealbrennan

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”