I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

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There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.


WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.


Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?


Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom


The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.


My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better


Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants


Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.


People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”