I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat

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[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM


Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .


Lick the corner of your mouth. The corner. JUST the CORNER. God damn it Diane do you want to be America’s Next Top Model or the Hamburglar


Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.


cause baby now we’ve got
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]


If Pitbull wasn’t famous he’d easily be the creepiest guy in every club he visits.


With all the conflicts in the world, the board game Risk has taught me the first thing we should do is invade Australia.


[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”


coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole

detective: and that’s what killed him?

coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no