@t0shiba

I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat

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@Reverend_Scott

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

@cambuslad

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

@jessforaminute

Lick the corner of your mouth. The corner. JUST the CORNER. God damn it Diane do you want to be America’s Next Top Model or the Hamburglar

@kerouac741

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

@CornOnTheGoblin

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

@FeelingMervis

If Pitbull wasn’t famous he’d easily be the creepiest guy in every club he visits.

@juliussharpe

With all the conflicts in the world, the board game Risk has taught me the first thing we should do is invade Australia.

@david8hughes

[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”

@MattTheBrand

coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole

detective: and that’s what killed him?

coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no