[goes back in time to murder baby Hitler] wow long line of people here to kill him
[goes back to murder myself] how is this line even longer
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
You Might Also Like
Word of the day: exhaustipated. Too tired to give a shit.
Sir it would appear that you have sugar poisoning
“You mean Diabetes?”
Ooh look at me, I’m a patient that knows all the diseases ooh
100 ways to reach me: 1.) Text Me. 2.) Call Me. 2.) E-Mail. 3.) FB …. 98.) Homing Pigeon. 99.) Signal Flares. 100.) Voice Mail
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
D: *sighs* Did you stick an orange up your rectum
*orange falls out onto floor*
M: *mumbles* yes