I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
🤣😈🤣
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
This rocks
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
john wicks are toilet candles