I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*

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Birds do it.
Bees do it.
Even educated fleas do it.
Let’s do it.
Let’s crash headfirst into this guy going 80 mph’s windshield.


It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.


In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.


I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.


After seeing my dog scoot her butt across my rug, I’ve decided I need to up my break dancing game.


“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”




Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.


Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit