I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
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When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Matt Goss
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
If you know, you know
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant