btw, my linkedin endorsements for “Dreamweaver” are for me singing the song Dreamweaver and not for using that software
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
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Lucky for them, they’re cute
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
her: i just wish our relationship was a little more… spontaneous
me (holding a lighter to the table cloth): ive got just the thing
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.