I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
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A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
😂😂
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*