I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

You Might Also Like


btw, my linkedin endorsements for “Dreamweaver” are for me singing the song Dreamweaver and not for using that software


“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?


[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]


Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard



her: i just wish our relationship was a little more… spontaneous

me (holding a lighter to the table cloth): ive got just the thing


Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first


My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.


I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.