@momTruthBomb

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

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@fart

btw, my linkedin endorsements for “Dreamweaver” are for me singing the song Dreamweaver and not for using that software

@aissalanis

“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?

@clichedout

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

@CaptPinkbeard

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

@captainkalvis

DATE

her: i just wish our relationship was a little more… spontaneous

me (holding a lighter to the table cloth): ive got just the thing

@crocodilethumbs

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

@DontTouchMyWine

My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

@stockejock

I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.