I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
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.. do you even science?
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.