OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
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Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground