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I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it