I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
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A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I will never stop laughing at this
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-