@AZHORSEMOM77

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

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@tgilliland789

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.

@ericsshadow

DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]

@clichedout

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

@Schindizzle

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

@Molly_Kats

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

@ChipKellysBalls

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

@WhaJoTalkinBout

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.

@chimneyspotter

DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft

@mrjohndarby

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond