I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
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[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.