I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
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There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”