i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either

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“dude, are you gonna do this every time you rearrange the furniture”


Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.


The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.


[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name


Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle


Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.


This drink tastes like the neighbors will be hearing late night small arms fire. I swear I just saw a coyote or a squirrel or a tree or a…


My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.


How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good