Ha ha! OH, HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED!
“dude, are you gonna do this every time you rearrange the furniture”
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
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Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
This drink tastes like the neighbors will be hearing late night small arms fire. I swear I just saw a coyote or a squirrel or a tree or a…
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good