@SaraMansford

I added broccoli to my kid’s Mac n Cheese and now he’s sitting in a spinny chair, petting a hairless cat and plotting his revenge.

You Might Also Like

@CelebrityChez

How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after your wife tells you she wants a divorce?

@KeetPotato

my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”

@jjhartinger

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.

@MomofTeen

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

@adamjest

Plot twist: dogs act scared of vacuums to avoid housework.

@MikeOdenthal

The best writerly advice is to start each paragraph w “Here’s somethin for ya!” as the reader is now engaged & will follow you anywhere

@1Happytwit

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

@thefosterer

Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me

Interviewer: a job-related weakness…

@mommajessiec

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

@yenniwhite

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids