How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after your wife tells you she wants a divorce?
I added broccoli to my kid’s Mac n Cheese and now he’s sitting in a spinny chair, petting a hairless cat and plotting his revenge.
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my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
him: who is your fantasy?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Plot twist: dogs act scared of vacuums to avoid housework.
The best writerly advice is to start each paragraph w “Here’s somethin for ya!” as the reader is now engaged & will follow you anywhere
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.