I added broccoli to my kid’s Mac n Cheese and now he’s sitting in a spinny chair, petting a hairless cat and plotting his revenge.

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I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.


My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.


I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you’d better do what I meant and not what I said.


Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times lets face it you’re a jerk and I’m stupid


Be myself?
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?


Capitalization can really change a sentence.


I love to eat candy.

I love to eat capitalization.


You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
Even though you make my hair turn grey


Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).


Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.