@SaraMansford

I added broccoli to my kid’s Mac n Cheese and now he’s sitting in a spinny chair, petting a hairless cat and plotting his revenge.

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@UnFitz

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

@MichaelTrying

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

@1CleverClogs

I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you’d better do what I meant and not what I said.

@yoyoha

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times lets face it you’re a jerk and I’m stupid

@PeachyPixel8

Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?

@thenatewolf

Capitalization can really change a sentence.

Example:

I love to eat candy.

I love to eat capitalization.

@Divergentmama

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
Even though you make my hair turn grey

@AimeeHelene1

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

@TheSharona06

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.