I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
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*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Gemma Correll
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
When I snag the last meatball.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen