@Izianikapani

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

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@cambuslad

You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.

@SaulKewl

Riley can be a little girl’s name, it’s not always a dog’s name. If someone says Riley’s been sick don’t bring up euthanasia right away.

@Sam19eighty

Mom: I’m worried you might end up alone. nMe: Don’t worry mom, do you know how many followers i have???nMom: … ( Worried face)

@mattZillaaaa

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

@juliussharpe

People used to go all around the world for spices. That must have been underwhelming. “Guys, I’ve been gone three years and this is cumin.”

@kylekinane

My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.

@AndyAsAdjective

[texting]

you mean the wolf to me

-wolf?

ha! autocorrect fail!

-lol

what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me

@kellyoxford

Web MD is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book where the ending is always cancer.

@AthenaMystique

I’d only convert to Christianity to learn how to turn water to wine.

WHADYA MEAN THEY DON’T TEACH YOU THAT? WHAT’S THE POINT, THEN?