I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

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You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.


Riley can be a little girl’s name, it’s not always a dog’s name. If someone says Riley’s been sick don’t bring up euthanasia right away.


Mom: I’m worried you might end up alone. nMe: Don’t worry mom, do you know how many followers i have???nMom: … ( Worried face)


I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore


People used to go all around the world for spices. That must have been underwhelming. “Guys, I’ve been gone three years and this is cumin.”


My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.



you mean the wolf to me


ha! autocorrect fail!


what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me


Web MD is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book where the ending is always cancer.


I’d only convert to Christianity to learn how to turn water to wine.