I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
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I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you