@LuvPug

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

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@KimmyMonte

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

@mamatomy3

Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.

@envydatropic

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

@samalmightysam

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

@Home_Halfway

GOD: [continuing to make humans] Make some of them think running is fun

ANGEL: This is just sick, I can’t watch this

@SadMeterologist

Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[walking out of restaurant]

DATE: let’s do this again

ME: thank god I’m starving