I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
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what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
secret recipe
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
same vibe as tangled headphones