We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
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Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Hot Hot Hot
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]