As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
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Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.