@Mr_Kapowski
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
@TheMichaelRock
I ain’t sayin she a gold digger, but she has a helmet with a flashlight on it, and a pick axe.
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@Mr_Kapowski
@better_off_dad2
I spend most of my time resenting people who never had to use a typewriter.
@Flossieraptor
Bella is the most misunderstood girl in fiction. She games Edward for immortality, starts a vampire war&secures a wolf servant for her baby.
@PatsHoppedUp
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
@bornmiserable
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
@IndecisiveJones
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
@rickkondell
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
@iMikosnyc
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
@billmaher
New evidence shows #marijuana not only helps with cancer side effects but may fight cancer itself! Oh pot, is there anything u can’t do?
@Not_Piecezilla
The weatherman said it’s nice outside. I guess they don’t let him watch the rest of the news.