@AngelaEhh

I almost ate that little packet in the shoe box. Good thing it said ‘do not eat’.

That was close.

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@daplusk

[date]
Me: Have you ever had it so deep your toes curl?
Her: No, I’d love that
Me: [pulls out 15th century poetry book] get ready
Her: um

@ValeeGrrl

At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.

@TequilaTears

Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status… After 3 it should default to “Unstable”

@LlamaInaTux

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

@Sickayduh

Hey, are you a broadleaved deciduous hardwood tree?

BIRCH I MIGHT BE

@CM2BTTHD

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

@Inferno_V

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

@Sarcasmo718

C’mon guys, just 50 more likes and her father will love her.