I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
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if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
My blood type is coffee.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.