I almost ate that little packet in the shoe box. Good thing it said ‘do not eat’.

That was close.

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Me: Have you ever had it so deep your toes curl?
Her: No, I’d love that
Me: [pulls out 15th century poetry book] get ready
Her: um


At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.


Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status… After 3 it should default to “Unstable”


[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance


Hey, are you a broadleaved deciduous hardwood tree?



Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.


Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.


C’mon guys, just 50 more likes and her father will love her.