I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
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Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.