@heatherlou_

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

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@RexHuppke

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.

@neonorchid1

I wish “it’s the thought that counts” worked for housework.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*

@cynthiajones11

I’m at my most Michael Phelps when I find out someone has peed in the pool.

@fowlerism

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

@TheTimmyToes

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

@slimmy_shady

1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”

@Mardigroan

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

@AudreyPorne

“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”

@causticbob

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?