I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
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Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
That’s amazing.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.