I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
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I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings