@Zombie_Kitv2

I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.

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@BrettDruck

Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.

@itsPKav

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

@AnOrangeSNES

In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious

@_Water_Baby

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

@GrantTanaka

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

@E_lok44

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

@ArfMeasures

Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*

2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead

Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him

@TheToddWilliams

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs