Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
You Might Also Like
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*