I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
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Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
The little toadstool has spoken.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o