I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
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Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
🙅🏻
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.