I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
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“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse