I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
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Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.