I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

You Might Also Like


Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.


He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.


[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!


If I had a brewery I would make an alcoholic drink called “Responsibly”.

I wouldn’t even have to pay for advertising.


DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”

WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”

DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”


If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.


Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.


My boyfriend isn’t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.