@OBiiieeee

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

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@Cheeseboy22

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

@XclairemckX

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

@LostFelicia

[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

@Terdoh

If I had a brewery I would make an alcoholic drink called “Responsibly”.

I wouldn’t even have to pay for advertising.

@ojedge

DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”

WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”

DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”

@junejuly12

If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.

@Sorrowscopes

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

@BFNotAllowed

My boyfriend isn’t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.