I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
You Might Also Like
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
FINE, I WON’T.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.