I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
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Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree