I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
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The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Um … Hot Wings please
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.