@GavinProbably

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

- @GavinProbably

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@mjm866

You are not truly drunk until you have a jar of peanut butter in your hand and your looking for the dog

@Ygrene

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

@olerunkbitch

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

@MarfSalvador

[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing

@Book_Krazy

[arrives at sales meeting with giraffe I bought last month]

“Ok, did everyone bring a graph tracking your activity this month?”

ME: uh oh

@iGreenMonk

I am sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist !

@Poutymcgee

ECHO! ECHO! ECHO! Hahaha. Just kidding Tina! But in all seriousness that’s quite a serious infection you have here.

– Me as a Gynaecologist

@Sassafrantz

Lauren’s coming over.

“Lauren from work or the one who pretends to be a Dr?”

Lauren: Sorry I’m late, I removed a gooblyglop from a dinkis.