I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
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[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-