I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
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please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
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sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
mumsnet is amazing
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it