I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
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i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Britain be like
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.