I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
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ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
It was worth a shot 😂
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.