Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
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[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim