Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I always bring 2 pop tarts to work, so I can eat one now and the other one also now.
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Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I’m not drinking by myself.
I’m self-employed and this is my corporate Christmas party.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.