@liv_thatsme

I always bring 2 pop tarts to work, so I can eat one now and the other one also now.

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@MikeZakarian

Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.

@envydatropic

Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.

@ThugRaccoons

Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?

Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?

@andraswf

I’m not drinking by myself.

I’m self-employed and this is my corporate Christmas party.

@TheBeerGuy_

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

@silent_musings

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…

@dadmann_walking

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

@robdelaney

When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.