My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
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Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
🙂🐾
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”