@LittleMissAngr1

I always cancel my uber if they assign me a van. I’m not ready to order my own murder.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

@kDuncanG

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

@ShortSleeveSuit

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*

SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork

@thejamietighe

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

@MissMalbec

– Are you upset?

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

– No.

@KateWhineHall

*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath*

*heads toward buffet*

@lovemydogduck

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

@Rockenden

To the first designer to make skirts so tight that a slit had to be added to the back: Good job.

Flip flop guy: Go stand in the corner.

@KKAlThani

“Dad, why did your generation find a fat guy singing in Korean & pretending to ride a horse entertaining?” “I don’t know son, I don’t know.”